I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
