I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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