After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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