my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
