Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
