I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
