Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
