Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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