Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
