There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
