remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
