I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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