your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
