how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
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Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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