I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
