I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
