Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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