I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.