shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.