oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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This baby is an asshole
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.