We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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