The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
