Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
