you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
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You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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