I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
