Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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