the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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