I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I will die if light touches me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
