i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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