I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
