I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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