Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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