you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
