I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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