imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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