I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
