a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
