Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
