I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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