god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
