I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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