Got a toothbrush?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
