I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
