Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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