Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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