my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
