i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
