i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
