you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
