She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
