How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
