Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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