What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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