My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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