Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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