I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
