i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
