ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
