I'm sorry my penis didn't work
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
