3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
