I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
