Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
